As a daughter-in-law, we will add many roles and relationships. If we want to make these complicated things simple, we must consider the two things of the house and the children. If we do not first reach a common understanding with our partner, it will not only affect the quality of the marriage, but also interfere with the freedom of the body and mind.
When I talked to a colleague who is also a teacher about the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, she said: "Modern women are more life-threatening. At least before marriage, they can choose whether to live in their husband's house. Most of us had no choice before, and they lived in their husband's house after marriage. Later, the social atmosphere became increasingly open, so I got married ten times. After a few years, I finally had the courage to fight with my husband to move out. When we had our own house and lived in a home where two people could discuss planning and decoration, I could feel that this was our home. ”
{9999}{9999}{9999}{9999}{9999}{99999}{99999}Her conversation reminded me of the fact that when I was working in the job site, all my married female colleagues lived in my husband's house, and the reason why they still kept working in the job site was that they didn't want to stare at my mother-in-law at home. This is actually different from my experience, because my husband and I are a small family of two people, and so are my sister and brother-in-law.
Is it really stressful to live with my husband's family? In the first few years after my marriage, I would go back to my husband's house to visit my parents-in-law every weekend. Although I was happy for those two days and one night, the pressure was like a shadow. I always had to pay attention to my words and deeds, and I didn't feel that I could relax at home, so I really couldn't imagine what it would be like to live with my husband's family for a long time.
As a daughter-in-law, we will add many roles and relationships. We should make these complicated changes simple. We should consider it clearly in the two cases: Who should we live with after marriage? Who will take the child after giving birth? If the two factors of the house and the child are not first reached a common understanding with the partner, it will not only affect the quality of the marriage, but also interfere with the freedom of the body and mind.
1. Do not save rent or loans.Before my uncle was about to get married, he told his mother-in-law that he refused to move to the new house that his parents-in-law prepared for them in the county, and wanted to live at home. When my mother-in-law was talking about this incident to me in great pains, I asked curiously: "Is it not good for my son to live with you after marriage? Can you take care of each other?" Unexpectedly, my mother-in-law said lightly: "I don't want to be a daughter-in-law anymore!" My mother-in-law's answer has been fermenting in my heart.
Later, I thought about it carefully. If I lived in my husband's house after marriage, from the perspective of my husband, all his life habits would not need to be changed, and there was a lovely person to take care of him, so he was of course happy. But from the perspective of other members of the husband's family, your new wife is actually a foreigner with existing resources in their homes. For example, if you live in a bathroom suite, where would the people who originally lived in that suite move? And if you live in a room without a bathroom, will your time taking a bath affect other members of your home?
And none of these include different life habits, dietary tastes, and even political positions and religious beliefs. Do you have the ability to change them? Or are you determined to die and decide to sacrifice yourself to fully integrate into your husband's family? If you have no job and cannot share your family's income, then you can eat your parents-in-law, use your parents-in-law, and live in your in-laws' house, unless you are hardworking and sweet-mouthed, or you can stay in your home without any poison, otherwise it will be difficult to be able to do it easily, right?
When the mother-in-law got married, she wanted to rent a house outside instead of living in a big family of husbands. When she became a mother-in-law, she didn't want to live with her daughter-in-law, and she knew that whether it was a daughter-in-law or a mother-in-law role, living separately from marriage after marriage is a better choice for women's physical and mental health.
Once a young couple gets married, they need to learn to work with each other's living habits and value. They don't save rent or loans, but live with their parents-in-law. This way, it is difficult for a husband to grow up independently, and his daughter-in-law can feel like he is a dwarf under the pig.
Getting married is not about living in your house or living in my house, but about us who have grown up and have to find a house to live in by ourselves before we can set up "our home".
In my circle of friends, some of them are married when the couple lives together first and then live together; some people live together after marriage. These couples who do not live with their parents-in-law can often adapt to their post-marriage life sooner. In addition, some people live in their husbands' homes after marriage, and buy a house and move out after saving enough money in a few years. Only in this way can they have the economic ability and freedom to manage a home with their own ideas. Some people also asked their parents-in-law to help them see their children, so they bought a big house and asked their parents-in-law to live with them. However, it is another big thing that my daughter-in-law and wife need to consider!
2. Don’t give your in-laws children to save money on your nanny.I found an interesting thing: if a daughter asks her mother to take the child, she will pay the mother's nanny, but if the daughter-in-law brings the child to her parents-in-law, they often don't pay the money. Their reason is that the child is the husband's child's name. But does this logic really make sense?
Moreover, conflicts occur between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, many of which are caused by the large difference in the perception of bringing children. I had a friend who originally lived with her in-laws. After she went to work and took the child with her mother-in-law, the difference between the two generations of education made conflicts happen. The man who was stuck in the middle was a son and a husband. Finally, he decided to buy a house and move out of his original family with his wife and children..
Some daughters-in-law and mother-in-law have unpaid childbirth, and they still blame the mother-in-law for not bringing the child well; but if the roles change, are you willing to help the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law take the child unpaid? If it were me, I really didn't want to help my children take care of them, because the times are changing rapidly and the concept of nurturing is changing at any time. I am not sure that I can discipline my son in the most appropriate way; and when I became my mother-in-law, I should not have the physical strength to bear the needs of the newborn.
I once read an article that mentioned that only after the children give birth to a daughter can they remove the pressure of discipline and truly feel the joy of life being inherited. I asked my mother-in-law if she had similar feelings after she became grandma?
She smiled and said, "I just think I just want to care for Seiko, but I don't want to teach Seiko anymore. Teaching Seiko is your business." I felt that my mother-in-law sincerely expressed Zu Hui's heart, because disciplining children is the responsibility of parents, the previous generation has already paid attention to the responsibility of disciplined their children, and it is enough to care for Seiko. After the children have children, they should take responsibility for discipline and not outsource their responsibilities to their parents.
If you don't want to stop your career and need someone to help you take care of your children, you can find a professional nanny instead of letting your child grow up unpaid.
※ This article is excerpted from "Just Good Temperature: The Balance of Multiple Roles, Let Love Have the Right Warmth".
"Just Good Temperature: A Balanced Way for Multiple Roles, Let Love Have the Right Warmth"
Author: Shang Ruijun
Publisher: Time Publishing
Publication Date: 2023/04/25
Responsible Editor: Gu Zihuan