In emotional consultation, I often hear many consultants complain: Why did I give so much to him and end up with nothing? Can't he see what I give? I have paid so much, is it difficult to make it wrong?
I have paid so much, is it difficult to get it wrong?Xiao Ding's case is very representative. She is a very understanding girl and a typical wife and good mother. She loves her husband very much. She thinks that loving someone is to give everything to him without any reply. In order to take care of her two children and her in-laws, she went to work and became her full wife.
She swept her home cleanly every day, and she tried her best to make delicious dishes for her husband. She also used the savings on her hands to buy food, use, and wear for her children and husband, and rarely considered her needs. She never let her husband interfere in the family affairs, and she thinks that the man is responsible for making money and keeping the family, and everything in the house is controlled by herself.
Substantially, every time her husband goes home, he lies on the sofa and watches the TV and doesn't fuck him. Xiao Ding often cut the fruit, brought a glass of water next to him, so that he could eat and drink, almost giving his husband to the sky. She said, I must make him feel that going home is a pleasure, letting him love the feeling of going home, and letting him feel that I am irreplaceable.
Long-term efforts after marriage, I changed my husband's jobHowever, Xiao Ding's efforts have been doing all the time for several years and it is her husband's job
Xiao Ding couldn't understand why he had done this level for him, so why didn't he meet it? Why do you still want to find a mistress? She asked her husband why he wanted to treat her like this.
Her husband said, "Your efforts often make me feel overwhelmed. You are so fucked. You don't seem to need me at home, and I don't feel you need me. What I want is a woman who can talk to me, rather than a 'nanny' who can only do housework and serve me."
Xiao Ding heard this and was very angry. She felt that she was too sad. She thought that if she gave everything to her husband and did not ask for a reply, he would definitely be unable to leave herself and this home. Unexpectedly, all that I did when I came to the forefront was a joke.
In this case, what I want to discuss is not the problem that Xiao Ding’s husband has made, but the problem that Xiao Ding has made excessive efforts in this marriage. Xiao Ding's husband got too much in this marriage and was too easy to get all of this. This made him feel fearless. He naturally enjoyed Xiao Ding's efforts.
The greatest sorrow in marriage is that one person keeps giving while another person is familiar with it. Xiao Ding thought that as long as she kept giving, the other party would be grateful. That was just her romantic self-stimulation. She gave everything, but the other party disdained it. The effort without response is just a waste of time. Not only does it lose marriage, but it also loses itself.
Over-paying is the invisible killer of marriageThe greater the effort Xiao Ding made at the beginning, the more harm he suffered now. It was her who had always used her original and unpredictable efforts to polish this magic trick that harmed her without any precautions. It is precisely because she is so good that she is unrelenting, which makes the other party breathless and has no room for reply.
In fact, love also has an effective and should be subject to reduced rules. In other words, when a person's efforts increase, it will change to a certain effect, but when the efforts continue to increase, the effect will increase less and less until the end, no matter how the efforts increase, the effect will no longer increase.
If one party always gives to the other party without conditions, the other party will not be able to show his responsibility and responsibility in the relationship, and some irresponsible people will find a third party to satisfy their own value. Excessive efforts blur the boundaries between husband and wife, mess up each other's responsibility, and break the balance of the family.
Many people think that the more they give, the happier the other party will feel, but it is not the case. There is a "fair theory" in psychology, which means that only when you have more money and get more money, can you get a close relationship be fair. Fairness theory holds that either party in unfair secret relations is tight. We can all understand why a companion who is not profitable is unhappy, but in fact, although a companion who is over profitable has gained a lot of benefits, they also feel unhappy because they feel guilty to a certain extent. Only when both partners get fair results, each talent is the most satisfying. Anyone will feel miserable when facing deviance from fair relations, and will eventually become unfair, and will find ways to change or avoid unfair relations.
Those who give excessively generally think that only by constantly giving can they be loved, and the more they give, the more they love themselves. Their sense of value comes from other people's recognition and affirmation of themselves. Only by constantly being kind to others can they replenish their inner sense of insecurity.
They often control each other under the name "for you" name. Therefore, while they are giving, they are actually "requesting" and asking for the other party's recognition and gratitude. They may not have realized this themselves, thinking that they do not ask for a reply to their efforts, but invisibly putting mental pressure on their companions: I have been so good to you, you should love me even more.
In unfair and secret relationships, the recipient will develop his own defense mechanism to reduce these uncomfortable feelings in order to reduce the guilt and pressure in his heart. In the early stages of receiving the partner's efforts, they may also use the same actions to return the partner to the partner.. But as time goes by, they find that no matter what they do, it is better to work hard with each other, and there is no room for them to find. The partner doesn't seem to care whether he gives or not, and whether he gives or not has any real impact on the relationship. So it's better to accept the partner's efforts with peace of mind.
When they fully accept their companions' efforts, in order to cover up their inner guilt, the defense mechanism will be activated again. Their potential tells themselves: it was what he was willing to do, not what I asked him to do. Over time, they will take the efforts of their partners for granted for granted for granted, and the efforts of their partners are less and less valuable in their eyes. They don't want to bear the mental pressure exerted by their companions, and they may eventually choose to escape from this relationship.
Psychological therapist Hasingge said: "The best relationship is to give generously and calmly accept each other. Through this exchange, the acceptance and contribution of both parties is balanced, and both of them feel that they are valuable in this relationship."
In marriage relationships, many people play the role of a person who gives without complaints and without regrets, and the other party is accepted by others. This unbalanced relationship will only make each other move far away. Because the one who gives will become more and more tired, the one who accepts will think it is normal and gradually feels that the other party does not need himself. In this way, both parties will feel lower and lower in value. And long-lasting marriage relationships must be met by both parties' value, which requires both parties to make some contributions. When both parties make their own efforts, they will better manage this relationship and cherish each other more. Unfortunately, sometimes when a marriage relationship collapses, the giver is often the initiator. Excessive efforts are the invisible killer of marriage.
If you are playing the role of an over-paying person in your marriage, please stop and listen to your true voice in your heart, and think clearly about your real needs. Are you really happy to give like this without any conditions? Or do you think that only by doing this can you get the love that comes with you? At the same time, you might as well hear what the real needs of your partner are. Does he really want you to give this? What he wants is to be able to communicate with him equally and understand each other, or to only figure out the other's real needs. Only by finding out the other's real needs can both parties feel the true secret in this relationship. Only by figuring out your real needs can you truly love yourself, rather than always seeking love for your companion, and seeking to gain the recognition and support of your companion through continuous efforts. When you figure out the other party’s real needs, you won’t just give it blindly, thinking that the other party needs such efforts.
You will try to love him in the way he needs according to his real needs, you will love him freely and he will be happy. Only by knowing how to love yourself and others and satisfy each other's true needs can both parties feel the true secret in this relationship.
A good marriage must be a mutual contribution by both husband and wife. Only by giving and nourishing each other can we build a stable bridge for love. Love is not a single effort, but a dual flow. In the flow of love, the energy of the couple will become richer and happier and happier.
This article records: "It's not just for quarrels to be with you: How to improve secret relations in communication"
